Relationship Rule: No Playing Your Cards

One of my darling clients was a game player. She played her cards in romantic relationships but it wasn't helping her find the love affair she wanted.

She truly is wonderful in so many ways -- whip smart and thoughtful; healthy and fit; engaged with family and friends; hard working and appreciated at her office and so many other uniquely special characteristics. She's incredibly lovable and a serious catch for the right person.

But she sabotaged herself. Mainly, she held back from truly being herself. She resisted asking her dates questions that she labeled 'too direct'. She would wonder about her dates' past relationships and hopes for the future but would avoid them because she wanted to appear cool and mellow. She thought that asking lots of questions, made her potentially unlovable but this was a very limiting belief that kept her avoiding rich and intimate conversations. This limited how much she was able to know her date.

Because she believed that opening up about her interest in her date was a false move in the game of love, she was faking who she was! She wanted to 'appear' a certain way, a way that she thought would impress her date. Unfortunately this approach, didn't give her date the opportunity to actually get to know her. Asking questions to get to know someone implies a desire for an real connection and this is what she wanted, an connected relationship. She wanted to learn more about her dates so that she could gauge the extend of her affection for them.

When we worked on her limiting believes about love, she realized she was fearful of being rejected. This is so common and normal yet after some exercises and discussions, she bravely dropped her fear and avoidance. She realized her desire for a honest and open relationship trumped her fear. She stopped worrying about how she was appearing and asked more in-depth questions. In this process, she learned that speaking honestly actually felt empowering and liberating.

This was a major breakthrough and it ricocheted in other parts of her life -- with her parents, colleagues and friends in her life. She discovered that being her true and authentic self was the way to find what she was ultimately looking for -- people who love and appreciate her whole self.

If you are feel disconnected in a relationship, it's time to check in with yourself. Ask yourself, "In what way am I playing my cards and not saying how I feel?". Here are some suggestions:

1. Think about what you want to feel in your relationship. Be clear about that.

2. Talk to a friend who is in a relationship that you admire. Tell them the specifics of what is happening in your relationship vs what you want. Ask them for some guidance.

3. If you are having a hard time imagining what you want in your relationship, it's time to write out what you think is keeping you disconnected. Please be open and honest with yourself! Decode what you can do to be more responsible for the livelihood of the relationship.

4. Then go to your spouse, boyfriend, family member or friend, whomever you feel disconnected from and tell them you feel this way and want to make a change. Explain what you think is the challenge but be sure you aren't blaming them. Ask them what they think you can do to make the relationship more connected. Listen carefully and discuss this with an open heart.

Go for it, brave ones.

If you need guidance, please set up a free consultation.